My core needs
Your powers
- A sense of adventure: You’re willing to roll up your sleeves and try something new, from food to employment. Others might see the unknown as scary, but for you it’s life.
- Adaptability: You interact with all kinds of people in all kinds of places. You can change and enjoy doing so.
- Many interests: What are you not interested in? That’s the real question. You can make stimulating conversation about almost any topic. And if you don’t already know something, you’re eager to learn.
- Energy: Your move around, physically and mentally. You avoid habits and routines that could make you bored.
Your kryptonite
- Plan averse: Because you’ve always got the idea things will change, you likely have an unwillingness to plan in you job, investments, or relationships. This can limit your possible new experiences in the long term.
- Learned helplessness: Like so many of us, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking you have no control over a situation and just give up, go on to the next thing. If you say “I can’t” enough times, eventually it becomes true.
- Unfocused: The dark side of uncertainty, you can get involved with too many things at once and become careless about yourself or others. If something’s not interesting, you’re likely to drop it, even if you’ll reap rewards later on. People may say you’re unreliable.
- Addictive or destructive behaviors: Because you value variety, your need for ever-changing stimulation ironically may lead to developing patterns that make you feel certain you will get that variety. This can manifest in various forms, like over/under-eating, drinking or drug abuse. The same might be said for your relationships: you develop patterns that give you certainty that you will have uncertainty.
Where to shift your focus
- Certainty: Too much uncertainty leads to panic. Humans crave stability, and learning how to have roots and stability while still enjoying adventures will help you live a more balanced life. What can you do to gain stability in your life and reap its rewards?
- Live in the present: Instead of always thinking about the next adventure, the next new thing, focus on enjoying the current moment.
- Growth and Contribution: Combined, these two needs make us feel fulfilled and whole. Making progress leads to happiness, which then turns into more joy to share with the others in your life who need it. Tap into your natural empathy and think about others’ needs instead of just your own. How can you start giving back while you continue to grow?
What are “I” statements? These are factual statements about you and only you. For example, you might say, “I need more___in this relationship” or “I feel___when this need isn’t met.”
https://www.tonyrobbins.com/podcasts/why-we-do-what-we-do/
instead of seeing people behaviour as problem, see them as their way of metting their own needs
Significance and connection is important to me
i need to feel that i am special and needed, and that i matter to someone, i need to feel appreciated
i need to feel close to someone
i need assurance
meet the need of significance:
How to fulfill a need for significance: Channel your competitive nature into healthy activities by learning a new sport or skill or by volunteering. Work on your people skills to become a more well-rounded leader. Commit to total mastery of your profession or career.
How to fulfill a need for connection: Be willing to be vulnerable and create deeper, more meaningful friendships. Communicate your needs to your partner to improve intimacy. Achieve greater spirituality through prayer, meditation or connecting with nature.
https://www.tonyrobbins.com/podcasts/why-we-do-what-we-do/
WHAT ARE THE 6 HUMAN NEEDS?
1. Certainty: assurance you can avoid pain and gain pleasure
2. Uncertainty/Variety: the need for the unknown, change, new stimuli
3. Significance: feeling unique, important, special or needed
4. Connection/Love: a strong feeling of closeness or union with someone or something
5. Growth: an expansion of capacity, capability or understanding
6. Contribution: a sense of service and focus on helping, giving to and supporting others
- Feeling heard
- Feeling understood
- Being supported
- Being appreciated
- Receiving and sharing attention
- Feeling safe and secure (physically and psychologically)
- Experiencing a sense of purpose
- Achieving a sense of connection and community
- Being creative
- Feeling intimate and vulnerable
- Being respected
- Accomplishment and/or prestige
- Feeling desired and wanted
- Being special and uniquely valued
https://eddinscounseling.com/identify-express-needs-relationship/
By identifying, expressing and meeting each other’s relationship needs you foster friendship and intimacy.
Each of our needs are unique. If you’re aware of your partner’s needs, you can respond to their needs (vs your own preferences) and vice versa. If you make your needs known, your partner can respond appropriately to you.
Think about what it is that is upsetting you. Tune in deep to find your primary emotions. Are you feeling alone and needing more connection? Are you feeling inadequate and needing more appreciation?
Get underneath your anxiety and frustration to identify what you are really feeling and what you really need in your relationship.
Effective communication in relationships is about sharing the vulnerable parts of yourself vs. reactivity. You might be aware of what you are feeling but unsure of what it is that you need.
Some Unmet Needs could be:
- You may not feel valued. Maybe your significant other is starting to take you for granted, and you just want to feel like you are important and acknowledged by them.
- Perhaps you’d like some room to express a little more individuality. Couples frequently refer to themselves as “we.” This is romantic and sometimes accurate. This merging of identities can also represent too many boundaries being crossed.
- You may have security concerns, whether it be financial, physical, or emotional.
- Your partner may not be giving you the emotional support that you desire. You try to open up about concerns, and your partner doesn’t seem to be listening or has his/her face in an electronic device. These days, we can sit together on the couch but feel like we’re on different planets.
- In a similar vein, your partner may not be encouraging you when you’re down, and you could really use the encouragement.
- Sex could be lacking passion. The frenzied lust of early attraction is a gift that can become a trap. Our intimate lives evolve as we do. Without steady communication, this reality may appear as an obstacle. The needs that aren’t being met don’t necessarily have to be of the emotional type.
- They may not give you the trust that you feel that you deserve.
Use your underlying emotions to identify what it is that you are feeling. Your feelings give you information about what you need.
For example, if you feel alone, perhaps you require more quality time with your partner or encouraging words of affirmation. What you need could vary depending on what love languages you speak.
Responding to each other’s needs fosters a deeper, caring connection in your relationship.
However, identifying and expressing needs can only foster connection if they are not demands. Demands assume that punishment or criticism will occur if the need is not met. Each partner should be able to choose to meet a need. There can be many loving reasons why a partner may not be in a position to meet your need at that moment in time.
How to communicate better in a relationship
Start with a soft start-up, complaining without blaming. Describe what is happening without evaluating or judging. Add phrases such as “please” and “I appreciate when you.”
Be sure not to store things up! Bring things up – a laundry list of items can feel like an attack. Focus on connecting through your vulnerable emotions vs. your angry emotions – “I feel sad when…
For example, instead of “You live like an animal who can’t clean up after himself!” try “I feel frustrated when I find things left all over the floor.”
When suggesting possible solutions, ask for a specific change in behavior instead of going after your partner’s core traits.
Rather than a vague “Please be neater,” you could say, “It would mean a lot to me if you would put the dirty clothes in the hamper instead of on the floor.”
Refrain from asking “why” questions.
Focus on making a clear statement about what you need.
For example, what not to do:
- I feel that…
- It bothers me ….
- I feel angry because you…
- When you don’t… I feel upset.
Instead, communicate both your feeling and your need. I feel…. because I ….
- I feel infuriated by those spelling mistakes because I want us to have a professional image.
- I feel angry the supervisor broke her promise because I was counted on getting that long weekend to visit my brother.
- Mommy feels disappointed when you don’t finish your food because I want you to grow up strong and healthy.
How to Communicate Your Needs in a Relationship?
If you have needs in your relationship that aren’t being met, it might be time to have a talk with your partner.
It’s important that you address your unmet needs as soon as possible. Otherwise, they can become sources of irritation, resentment, or anxiety for you.
Why is communication vital in the relationship?
There could be two scenarios:
One: You are satisfied with your relationship overall
Two: You two often remain in conflict with each other
When it comes to scenario One, you usually tend to brush off minor disagreements under the carpet, which is not ideal. It could lead to bigger problems in the future if proper communication is not established.
Scenario Two is also common where constant arguments happen because there is a communication gap between the partners.
In both cases, the need for communication plays a vital role in keeping the relationship happy and fulfilling.
Some of the important reasons why it is vital in a relationship are as under:
- To avoid resentment creeping into the relationship
- To establish strong connection
- To let go of misunderstandings
- For having a sense of self-worth
- To have the feeling of empowerment
- To make your partner feel a sense of security
However, it is essential to understand how to communicate your needs in a relationship that will help the relationship prosper.
Related Reading: 5 Emotional Needs Every Couple Needs to Know
4 Tips to effectively communicate your needs to your partner
How to say what you want in a relationship?
Here are some guidelines on how to communicate your needs in a relationship for a more satisfying relationship.
1. Identify your needs
Ask yourself, “What do I need in a relationship?”
It may seem like an obvious first step to identify your wants and needs in a relationship. But sometimes, people can stay stuck in an unhappy mood without knowing why.
This is why it’s important to identify the unmet needs causing your dissatisfaction. This first step is for you to do on your own to get a clear understanding of exactly what is bothering you.
Have a seat, center yourself, and take a look at your needs. Write them down, if that’s helpful to you. Ask yourself, “What do I need in this relationship that is not being fulfilled?”
To help guide your thought process of how to communicate your needs in a relationship, here is a list of some common needs in relationships:
- Connection needs
This is the need for connection in the form of communication, trust, support, or appreciation. - Physical needs
This is the need for physical affection, physical intimacy, sex or safety. - Independence needs
Even in an established relationship, partners may need some independence now and then. This might look like making your own choices as an individual. It might mean pursuing your own interests or your own activities.
2. Find a time, place and method for talking with your partner
Once you’ve identified your needs, find a time and place for you and your partner to figure out how to communicate your needs in a relationship. Make sure you can have a focused conversation without distractions.
If you approach your partner when they are too tired or in the middle of a task, they may not be able to give you their full attention. If your partner can’t give you their full attention, then the conversation will likely be unsuccessful. And your needs will remain unaddressed.
Make sure you’re using the best method of communication for your situation.
Suppose one or both of you are out of town and you’re unable to meet in person to have a conversation about your needs. You may want to ask yourself, “How urgent is this conversation?”
If it’s important for you to talk sooner rather than later, then you should set up a phone call or video chat. If it’s more important that you have the conversation in person, then it may be best to wait until you can be together again.
For the best outcome, find an agreed-upon time and use the ideal method of communication.
Related Reading: Effective Communication Skills in Relationships
3. Talk with your partner using “I” statements
Now that you’re ready to ask for what you need or talk to your partner about your needs be sure to use “I” statements when you speak.
What are “I” statements? These are factual statements about you and only you. For example, you might say, “I need more___in this relationship” or “I feel___when this need isn’t met.”
When you use “I” statements, you’re speaking from your own experience, so no one can deny the truth of what you need or feel. When you speak from your own experience, you focus on yourself without making your partner wrong.
After stating the facts about yourself and what you need, you can then open the conversation for possible solutions about how to meet your needs. You may want to make requests for your partner. Or you may ask them for their ideas of how to meet your needs.
4. Beware of complaints, demands or blame
When you state your needs and make requests of your partner, sometimes it can take a negative turn. To communicate better in a relationship, make sure your words don’t turn into complaints, demands, or blame directed at your partner.
If you find yourself complaining about your partner, making demands, or blaming them, stop immediately. Otherwise, you might put your partner on the defensive, leading to an argument.
In the end, this can prevent your partner from responding effectively to your needs.
In the video below, Esther Perel talks about how bickering kills the relationship. Check it out:
Here are some indicators that you might be complaining, demanding, or blaming:
- You are using “you” statements instead of “I” statements. Examples are: “You never___” or “You always___” These can come across to your partner as complaints or blame.
- You’ve fallen into the “I-need-you-to” trap. On the surface, this may look like you are stating a need—”I need you to wash the dishes”—but you are actually making a demand of your partner.
- Anytime you tell your partner that you need them to do or be something, that is a demand. State your need without involving your partner, then work together to come up with a solution.
If you find yourself complaining, demanding, or blaming, remember your needs, use your “I” statements and resume the conversation in order to effectively communicate in a relationship.
Judgments are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs
Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs.
- You never understand me. Need to be understood is not being fulfilled.
- You’re working late. Need for intimacy not being met.
- “thank you for telling me what you heard. I can see I wasn’t as clear as I’d have liked, so I’ll try again.”
- First, the ability to recognize our feelings regulates our emotions – when we can name it, we can tame it. Yes, that’s right! If we can simply NAME an emotion, it can calm our brain down.
- Second, identifying our feelings allows us to then identify WHAT we need, then take action to MEET that need. When our needs are met, we are content.
- Third, expressing feelings allows us to be vulnerable with others and increases connection and intimacy, while reducing conflict.
Example: “I feel nervous ”
Physical Sensation Heart pounding, sweaty palms, upset stomach, dry mouth, chilled, hot, giggling, etc “I feel nervous. My heart is pounding, my palms are sweating and my stomach is upset.” Image ◆ Painting a picture
An image of a scene or a situation “I feel nervous like how a person might feel walking down a dark alley” or “I feel nervous like a child giving an oral report in front of the class” ◆ Intensity Rate the feeling on a scale from 1 to 10 “I feel nervous. It’s about a 9” ◆ Nature A beautiful sunset, crashing waves, dark forest, ominous clouds, a sunny day, a raging storm, etc “I feel nervous like when I see ominous clouds rolling in” or “I feel nervous like a deer might feel smelling a scent of danger.” ◆ Color Red, blue, black, white, etc “I feel nervous. If it had a color it would be orange like a warning sign that is flashing danger.” ◆ Taste Sour, bitter, sweet, etc “I feel nervous. If it had a color it would be orange like a warning sign that is flashing danger.” ◆ Touch Scratchy, soft, prickly, sharp, etc “I feel nervous like touching a prickly porcupine” ◆ Sound Screech, crack of thunder, birds twittering and chirping, high pitched “I feel nervous like when I hear the sound of thunder” Inner Conversation What am I telling myself, what am I thinking, what am I “believing” “I feel nervous. I’m telling myself ‘I’m trapped. There is no way out.” Behavior ◆ Actions
What do I tend to act out? What do I tend to do? Where do I tend to go? “I feel nervous. I tend to want to go eat something to soothe me” ◆ Words What words tend to come out of my mouth? What do I tend to say? “I feel nervous. I tend to say ‘don’t bother me. Stay away from me’” Memory ◆ Past experience
Something you have experienced in the past like childbirth, riding a bike for the first time, walking on the beach, watching a movie, death of a loved one, etc “I feel nervous like the time when I had to perform in front of an audience for the first time” ◆ Shared memory Something you have experience together, like your wedding day, buying a house, vacationing together, meeting each other for the first time, etc “I feel nervous like how we felt waiting to hear if we got our mortgage approved” or “I felt nervous like how we felt when we got lost on our vacation”
Emotional Needs Mine Partner To be told that I am loved ☐ ☐ To be told, that I am valued and a vital part of my partner’s life ☐ ☐ To have a sense of belonging to and with my partner ☐ ☐ To be respected as an individual ☐ ☐ To be needed for other than the role and tasks I perform ☐ ☐ To know that I am a priority in my partner’s life ☐ ☐ To know that I am special, above everyone else in my partner’s life ☐ ☐ To feel that my partner is proud to call me his or her own ☐ ☐ To be trusted as a responsible partner ☐ ☐ To feel that my partner would choose me again ☐ ☐ To know that I am and can be forgiven for my transgressions, flaws and inadequacies ☐ ☐ To be accepted—flaws, fallacies and all ☐ ☐ To know that my partner and I are, above all else, close and trusted friends ☐ ☐ To be desired and desirable ☐ ☐ To be appreciated for who and what I am and do ☐ ☐ To have passion between me and my partner ☐ ☐ Physical Needs Mine Partner To be touched and caressed ☐ ☐ To be kissed, even if casually ☐ ☐ To be hugged or held ☐ ☐ To know that I am welcomed in my partner’s personal space ☐ ☐ To be physically welcomed when encountering my partner ☐ ☐ To know that I am part of a couple when interacting with the world ☐ ☐ To be encouraged and welcomed by non-verbal communications ☐ ☐ Tenderness ☐ ☐ To have a satisfying and rewarding sexual life ☐ ☐ Spiritual Needs Mine Partner To know that my personal spiritual values are supported without judgement ☐ ☐ To feel that my partner respects my spiritual needs ☐ ☐ To share a spiritual life, even if that spiritual life is experienced differently by my partner ☐ ☐ To know and feel that my individual beliefs and differences are respected, if not shared ☐ ☐ Social Needs Mine Partner To be remembered with calls and acknowledgements when apart ☐ ☐ That my partner will plan and structure his or her activities to include me ☐ ☐ That social activities are shared rather than experienced individually ☐ ☐ Appropriate tenderness and support when in public ☐ ☐ To be encouraged and supported physically and emotionally when in public ☐ ☐ To hear sweet things in a social environment ☐ ☐ To be encouraged and supported in social situations ☐ ☐ To be treated with politeness and regard in social situations ☐ ☐ To share fun and joy in social situations ☐ ☐ To be connected with my partner ☐ ☐ To share joy and laughter ☐ ☐ To feel that I am the most important person in my partner’s life when in a crowded, busy social environment ☐ ☐ Security Needs Mine Partner To know that my partner will stand by me in times of distress or conflict ☐ ☐ That my partner will rally to my aid if needed ☐ ☐ To have input and control with regard to the emotional aspects of our relationship ☐ ☐ To be supported by my partner ☐ ☐ To know that my partner is loyal and committed ☐ ☐ To know that my relationship will not be put at risk and hang in the balance because of disagreements and confrontations ☐ ☐ To know that my partner is 100% committed ☐ ☐ To know that my partner is there for me in times of third party conflicts and problems ☐ ☐ To know that my partner is a safe and soft place to fall into. ☐ ☐
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